ACT 1.5

SCENE 1


(The ship’s bar. WHITNEY is stumbling aimlessly around the place. The bartender, GINGER, leans forward toward HOPE, who is drowning her sorrows in a tall frosty mug of…lemonade. The CAPTAIN is also seated at the bar, and is cheerfully tipsy. Reluctantly, MRS. HARCOURT is there as well. GINGER is annoyed by this.)

GINGER
Are you gonna order something or what?

MRS. HARCOURT
Excuse me?

GINGER
I said, are you going to order?

MRS. HARCOURT
No, actually.

GINGER
Then what are you doing here?

MRS. HARCOURT
Waiting on someone.

GINGER
That’s my job. [gestures to a still-sobbing HOPE] Look, even this young lady here ordered something, even if it wasn’t liquor. But at least she’s a paying customer instead of a loafer.

MRS. HARCOURT
Pardonnez-moi? What did you say?

CAPTAIN
Nothing. [whispers to GINGER] She’s a loon. Don’t get on her case.

(WHITNEY sets some money down and lumbers offstage with a new bottle, still not quite aware of himself. The CAPTAIN takes another hearty swig and grins at MRS. HARCOURT, who looks sourly at him and GINGER.)

GINGER
So are you going to buy something, or am I throwing you out?

CAPTAIN
They have got some of the best stuff right here. I know, I chose it all myself. [pauses and looks at MRS. HARCOURT, coming to his senses temporarily] Wait a minute, didn’t I tell you not to be in here?

GINGER
[gives MRS. HARCOURT the evil eye] Five…four…

MRS. HARCOURT
I am not here by choice.

GINGER
Three…

MRS. HARCOURT
I’ve never drunk hard liquor, and I don’t plan to start.

CAPTAIN
Two and a half…

MRS. HARCOURT
This place is positively revolting, besides.

GINGER
Two…

MRS. HARCOURT
There is one reason I am in this godforsaken place, and one reason only—

CAPTAIN
One and three-quarters…

MRS. HARCOURT
—one reason, and his name is Elisha J. Whitney!

(The bar goes silent. Many people try to stifle their giggling, to no avail. GINGER cocks her eyebrow.)

GINGER
…I thought you were a little prouder than that, ma’am.

CAPTAIN
It works. Pair the lunatics off together.

GINGER
So how exactly does that work out?

MRS. HARCOURT
Well…it’s a little odd.

CAPTAIN
Like you?

MRS. HARCOURT
[ignores the CAPTAIN] It works out for the better.

HE WON’T LET ME ALONE—I SUPPOSE I DON’T MIND
HE’S THE MOST CHARMING DRUNK MILLIONAIRE THAT I’VE MET
IN FACT, MAY I INTONE, HE’S THE BEST I CAN FIND
AND HE LOVES ME—A FACT HE WON’T LET ME FORGET

IT’S A QUEER SORT OF COURTSHIP, REALLY
A SYMBIOTIC CONSORTSHIP, DEARIE
AND IT’S AS MUCH ABOUT MONEY
AS IT IS ABOUT LOVE
SO BELIEVE ME, IT IS ABOUT LOVE

GINGER
Do you seriously expect me to believe that you’re in love with—

(WHITNEY’S voice sounds from offstage, presumably attempting to sing something.)

—that?

CAPTAIN
I told you, they’re both mad.

MRS. HARCOURT
And why not? Why else would I deal with him?

CAPTAIN and GINGER
Because he’s rich?

MRS. HARCOURT
Well, that too. But I’m sure he knows.

I’VE NO HOPE TO STAY RICH IF MY HOPE MARRIES POOR
SO I’M TAKING THE MATTER INTO MY OWN HANDS
I’M NOT OUT TO BEWITCH, JUST TO SETTLE THE SCORE
WE’LL GET WHAT WE BOTH WANT THROUGH A TRADE OF GOLD BANDS

IT’S A QUEER SORT OF COURTSHIP, REALLY
NOT A GALLIVANT-AND-CAVORT-SHIP, DEARIE
BUT IT’S AS MUCH ABOUT STATUS
AS IT IS ABOUT LOVE
AND TRUST ME, IT IS ABOUT LOVE

(She gets quizzical looks from GINGER and the CAPTAIN.)

I DO LIKE HIM, I’M SERIOUS

GINGER
YOU KNOW YOUR MOTIVES AREN’T MYSTERIOUS

MRS. HARCOURT
I’M NOT A BIT DELIRIOUS

CAPTAIN
OH YES YOU ARE, PLUS DAMNED IMPERIOUS
YOU’LL GET HIM TO DO YOUR BIDDING

MRS. HARCOURT
OH, THAT’S JUST ICING ON THE CAKE

GINGER
OH COME ON, WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?

MRS. HARCOURT
HOLD YOUR TONGUES, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!

HE HAS SOMETHING I NEED; I’M THE SOMETHING HE WANTS
AND I DO LOVE MY CASH, AND I LIKE HIM AS WELL
AND THOUGH I MAY NOT BE THE YOUNG RICH DEBUTANTE
I KNOW HE WILL—

WHITNEY
[swaggers in] Evangeline? What the hell?

(MRS. HARCOURT turns several shades of red and hastily sits back down. GINGER and the CAPTAIN are trying not to snicker yet again, to no more avail than the last time.)

What kind of party am I missing in here?

GINGER
She’s just…drunk, that’s all,

WHITNEY
A-ha! I knew it! You will have to show me that shortcut sometime, Evangeline.

(MRS. HARCOURT shakes her head in exasperation as WHITNEY exits again.)

MRS. HARCOURT
IT’S A QUEER SORT OF COURTSHIP, REALLY
BUT I MUST GET OFF THIS CRAZY RESORT SHIP, DEARIE
FOR IT’S AS MUCH ABOUT FAME
AS IT IS ABOUT LOVE
AND I CAN’T QUITE BELIEVE I MADE IT ABOUT LOVE



-CURTAIN-